who knew? ah the revolutions that healing takes. starting with one of the psalms that trevor discovered for the summer to mary ann's comment that maybe this was to be the "summer of healing." seems i am impatient to be done already. like someone sick of still having their head in the hair drying machine thingie or being a gingerbread creature not fully baked. but i'm finding that healing does indeed take time and besides that, it is an on-going thing. there are monumental levels of healing, but there are also constant daily smoothings over of cracks that takes its own time. plus, hurts are incurred often and some people are more fragile to being bumped up than others. it's been a rough week, and i'm sitting in a reprieve from some intense molding time. there have been a lot of secret tears and prayers and surprise shaping moments. i was unveiled as still having a long way to go, with self-deprecation, low self-worth, and a whole bucketload of untossed issues that i hated to see. still, huge gains have been made, and i am still accepted after all. (though everything in me knows i don't deserve it, and that's the gift.) He hasn't given up on me still. so, Perfect Lord, chip away at my rough edges, help me to accept what You've made me to be, that i may be free to live out my destiny, the one You most want me to live. posted by Sam 1:45 AM . . .
i've been traipsing through fire, and i feel all right. -scratch my head curiously- when have i cried so many tears so authentically? i can't even tell you. and it seems so foreign and yet so familiar, like something from another lifetime i had, oh, about a decade ago. like i'm returning to an old fashion that was shed a few years back and find that it still fits and suits me just fine. ah, to wake up and realize your heart is still aching and yet still being able to get up. i am in awe. i feel like i'm stretching my legs to make sure i can still move them, and i can.. they aren't paralyzed anymore. so this must be what healing feels like. it is hurting like crazy, and letting that happen.. it is crying and crying and crying and not being told to stop or that it's sissy or stupid or wrong, and feeling like it is just right. and feeling truly better afterwards. still sad, but good. i will forever be grateful for knowing paul. he is someone who taught me how to cry and really cry. and he showed me that it was ok, even beautiful to do so.. that it makes one really stronger, not weak. and i've seen in me something i had always wondered if it was possible for me to have, if it might rise up and show itself at the right time, and it did.. that i could truly love again, in a reckless, responsible way, one that put the other in front of oneself and wanted to make it work, whatever the cost. it was wild but possible. i feel as though i've been running a gauntlet. at the same time, it has been terrific.. HARD and wonderfully healing. a remarkable, incredible place to be-- that pain would be the road to healing a broken heart. the future is so unknown. but there is a God watching over me, as youssef said. the Lord allows this as all part of His plan to make us whole.. more like His Son. it's good!! indeed, it really is.. ah such the drama. but this is the real living. i am no longer dream-dead.. it was this big pain that revealed, even sped on the progress, i suppose. stretching.. so here i am, smiling in my tears. (oh so many tears.. it is WONDERFUL.) i feel like i am gaining my heart back.. that which was so dead for so long is coming back, being revitilzed or rehydrated in the midst of everything. what will this next year bring? posted by Sam 10:39 AM . . .
Purity is a process. Becoming whole is a journey of embracing the identity we have had all along.. just as the ruby slippers in Wizard of Oz are on Dorothy's feet all along.. sometimes we just don't know how to access what we already have. At the same time, sometimes, we're told to how we can, but still don't click the slippers and chant the words... So last Thurs I did it, I came clean to my parents about the past and took a step to embrace the forgiveness I've already been given in Christ. It was no miraculous, magical moment, but it was a step of faith & obedience. Last night, I emailed Josh to congratulate him on his up-coming wedding. I think that was another step to wholeness.. The exhiliration I felt when I realized that my happiness for him was true, was so freeing.. it was like stepping out and realizing the bridge really holds your weight. posted by Sam 5:49 PM . . .
i just wrote an email to Mary Ann where i was actually surprised by the outcome. i mean, i started to talk about certain things, but then found myself actually talking about something else. and in the writing, i signed myself off as "still broken," realizing that there is still certain steps i have not taken towards total freedom from past hurts & feelings of guilt or shame. and i found in myself the inkling of a desire to be whole with the full knowing that wholeness has not been embraced yet. so, in faith, i started this blog in the hopes that someday there will be a second and third and fourth entry instead of just this one, that waits... -still broken posted by Sam 5:49 PM . . .
