i've been traipsing through fire, and i feel all right. -scratch my head curiously- when have i cried so many tears so authentically? i can't even tell you. and it seems so foreign and yet so familiar, like something from another lifetime i had, oh, about a decade ago. like i'm returning to an old fashion that was shed a few years back and find that it still fits and suits me just fine. ah, to wake up and realize your heart is still aching and yet still being able to get up. i am in awe. i feel like i'm stretching my legs to make sure i can still move them, and i can.. they aren't paralyzed anymore. so this must be what healing feels like. it is hurting like crazy, and letting that happen.. it is crying and crying and crying and not being told to stop or that it's sissy or stupid or wrong, and feeling like it is just right. and feeling truly better afterwards. still sad, but good. i will forever be grateful for knowing paul. he is someone who taught me how to cry and really cry. and he showed me that it was ok, even beautiful to do so.. that it makes one really stronger, not weak. and i've seen in me something i had always wondered if it was possible for me to have, if it might rise up and show itself at the right time, and it did.. that i could truly love again, in a reckless, responsible way, one that put the other in front of oneself and wanted to make it work, whatever the cost. it was wild but possible. i feel as though i've been running a gauntlet. at the same time, it has been terrific.. HARD and wonderfully healing. a remarkable, incredible place to be-- that pain would be the road to healing a broken heart. the future is so unknown. but there is a God watching over me, as youssef said. the Lord allows this as all part of His plan to make us whole.. more like His Son. it's good!! indeed, it really is.. ah such the drama. but this is the real living. i am no longer dream-dead.. it was this big pain that revealed, even sped on the progress, i suppose. stretching.. so here i am, smiling in my tears. (oh so many tears.. it is WONDERFUL.) i feel like i am gaining my heart back.. that which was so dead for so long is coming back, being revitilzed or rehydrated in the midst of everything. what will this next year bring? posted by Sam 10:39 AM . . .
